Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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