I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
