This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
