I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
