I wish my penis had an off switch
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
