just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
