Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize