I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
