I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
