I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
she smelled like a LAN party
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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