Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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