We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
