i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Randomize
