Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize