a queef is a wish your heart makes.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
She's the barista slut.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Randomize
