thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
