you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You need a sexual gate keeper
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
