I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
