I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
