I think I just saw someone hide a body.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
