lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
