He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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