Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
