I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
