end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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