and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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