I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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