i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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