just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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