my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
