i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
