We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
