well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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