i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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