I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Randomize
