I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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