That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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