how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
