it's too hot outside to masturbate.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize