sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
