I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
