Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Be still, my beating vagina.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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