Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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