He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
