i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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