there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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