It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
