Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
