a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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