Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
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