I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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