I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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