I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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