She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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