My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I wish you could order shots online.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
We talked him into tasing himself.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
