did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize