This is not my ceiling
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
