what day is it and did you see me today?
and i looked up. we had an audience...
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
