Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
