I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
