Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
